Steroids Running Rampant In Fishing World
You knew it would come to this sooner or later....
I was sitting in one of my favorite fishing haunts the other day, getting yet another report from a recent Alaskan fishing trip, when I overheard a conversation between two local guides.
"Todd sure had a great Springer season."
"Yeah, nobody seemed to be catching any fish except him?!"
"And did you notice the size of his HEAD...it's getting HUGE!!"
"Must be all that rowing he's been doing all summer."
"Yeah, that time spent on his BOWLEX in the off season is really starting to pay off."
"Some guys think he might be JUICING."
"You mean like orange juice??"
"No - you hamburger - STEROIDS."
"Yeah, you know the last couple of years Todd has been having a tough go of it out there. Seems like all the younger guides have been giving him a run for the money. His fish catching production had really dropped off the last few seasons. At first, guys started seeing him drinking a lotta SOBE--you know that drink that has a bunch of Creatine, Taurine and Polypropylene in it-- anyway, pretty soon he started to need bigger fishing hats, one guy said he saw his head burst right through a ball cap on a day trip the other day. The guys thought he was like the HULK or something."
"I don't get it. How does SOBE help you catch fish??"
"It's not the SOBE --you beefsteak-- it's the STUFF in it."
"The GREEN TEA?"
"What are you--some kinda moron-- the anabolic steroids."
"Hey--I know Anna Baughlick--she wouldn't have anything to do with that kinda stuff, but she does make a mean fish taco."
"Look, remember the other day when Irv said that Todd was really "ripping the lips" off the fish? Well, he literally WAS ripping the lips off them!! Seems he was setting the hook and coming back with nothing but fish lips!!!"
"That can't be good for the sport?"
" It's all about the hook ups man, you know that. No hook ups-- no fish--no fish-- no bookings--no bookings, and.... your back selling cars."
"I guess that makes sense?!? Seems unfair to the guys not JUICING--what can we do about it?"
" Not a thing. The guides association says they're gonna start making guys start peeing in a cup."
"They do that already."
"That's different-- you rump roast-- this would be a test."
"Oh. What happens if they get caught?"
" They'll get an asterisk put on their fishing license."
"WOW, THAT SOUNDS SEVERE!!! You mean after all those years of earning the BIG BUCKS getting paid for doing what most of us would do for free--they will have to live the rest of their days with an asterisk? Man that sounds cruel!!"
"Well, they gotta do something."
"But don't you still have to find the fish? I don't see where the steroids help you locate the fish and get 'em hooked up?"
"Have you ever seen a guy on Stanazolol? That stuff makes you so "on edge" that if a mosquito brushes a hair on your arm you react like a male Chihuahua does when he sniffs a bitch in heat."
"You hump some guys leg?"
"No--you T-bone head-- it makes you really in tune, ultra aware of your surroundings."
"Guess that explains him grabbing all those rods from his customers all the time."
"Yeah, and they say he does a lot of "emphatic finger pointing" too."
"Whatever. What does he say to all the accusations?"
"Says he must have got a bad batch of SOBE."
"He is taking Viagra, you know."
"That has other side effects--but that really doesn't help him catch any fish."
"Well, I think it's terrible--but if Todd keeps getting all the bookings, I might just have to start JUICING too"
"Yeah, me too. I heard about 60 percent of all guides are doing it now."
"Guess that explains why they are so cranky."
"Yeah. Hey have you noticed the fish seem to be getting fatter?"
"Yeah. But that's another story...."
A. J. Klott